Day 5 -- One Day at a Time

We both woke up this morning feeling pretty good. This chair I'm sleeping on isn't the best, but I get a decent night's sleep. I woke up sleepy and with a stuffy nose, but all the little things I might complain about are so petty. I'm not going to waste my breath. I'm not the one on bed-rest 24-hours-a-day.

This is day five in the hospital, and our little girl is now 24 weeks and 2 days along. One more day in the womb is worth one week in NICU, they say.

The flowers mom and dad sent us.

I thought that I had things together pretty well until yesterday. Mom and dad sent flowers, which was such a kind gesture for them. They still haven't been here to visit, but that's only because I asked them not to come. If I had anything to say about it, I'd hold off on having visitors until she's off the monitors and able to sit up better. They want to come in, though. Also, Emily's work sent cupcakes and a card signed by lots of her co-workers. I saw a bunch of names on the card that I recognized. People she's talked about often the last few years. Both the flowers and the cupcakes made me tear up a little, but not until I was by myself. This is probably my big downfall, trying to keep my emotions in check, not letting on if I get upset.

We had a couple of visitors stop by yesterday, too. Emily's college friend Jessica brought in her two adorable kids. Jessica, who's visiting from the Chicago area, had a great conversation with Emily, distracting her and keeping her mind off of things. Em had received a blood transfusion yesterday morning and the doctor had put her back on the magnesium. She was so groggy and out of it, and when she was awake, she needed something to occupy her mind. Sandy Spector also came by the room around lunchtime, giving us another great conversation.

Emily made a comment earlier today that made me think about my own day-to-day habits. She said something along the lines of never taking a free moment for granted ever again. To me, it got me thinking about all the times when Brody has come up to me while I'm reading my school books, watching television, or doing something else at the moment. He wants me to play trains with him or put together his puzzles or read his books to him. I'm good about dropping everything and enjoying some quality time with my boy -- most of the time -- but it just makes me realize even more how little time we have before he grows beyond this phase. Emily may have been meaning something about getting up and cleaning house or doing some odd chores with her comment, but this is where my train of thought went. She's always been great about being a mother and doing what's best for Brody. The secret is that I think she does better at her parenting role than I do with mine.

It's unfortunate that it's this hospital stay that has made us realize this kind of stuff, but if there needs to be a positive, this is a good one. I need to keep note of what little things I realize each day -- take time to jot something down every day. If I compile a list, one day at a time, and make sure I revisit that list down the road, who knows how much better off I'll be, and who knows how much better life will be for my family.

Day 4 -- It Doesn't Make It Much Easier

Today is our 4th day at Overland Park Regional Medical Center. We've been here since late Friday night. It still doesn't feel real to me. There have been no real answers coming out from the specialists, and I don't want to leave Emily's side. I'm scared about what might happen while I'm gone. If I'm running an errand around town, no problem. I'm close, but what if I'm home in Louisburg?

All these petty questions keep dominating my mind. What about Brody? He needs his mommy and daddy, and he needs to be with us. He needs his home. Every night for as long as we can remember, we've gone to bed with Brody. We haven't done this since we came to the hospital. What about our home? We left it in disorder. I'd been home all week and still left the place in a mess. What about my school work, my projects for classes, and preparation for the new school year?

I'm doing whatever I can to keep mind off the news we've been getting. They say that no news is good news, but what about vague news? We've heard nothing concrete. Several doctors have been in and out of our room -- Emily's regular OB-GYN, the perinatologist, the doctor from NICU. All I know is that my wife and daughter are okay. There's nothing I know about when she'll have to deliver, or when our baby will decide to come. It's a horrible waiting game, knowing that both of them are okay, but there could still be a storm coming.

I've never been in this kind of situation before. When they told Emily that she'll have to be on bed-rest for the duration of the pregnancy -- at the hospital, no less -- I couldn't grasp what that meant. I just can't imagine what being on bed-rest will be like. She will be doing this for the next few days (worst case) or the next 10 weeks (best case).

With all the health issues and questions of everyone's safety, how could anyone think about the mundane things such as homework, housework, and professional work? For me, and I imagine or anyone, it's a way to distract us from the serious issues before us. I can't help but think about Emily and her job. She went home Friday afternoon, looking forward to hanging out with me and our son that evening. Tasks were left undone because they could wait until the weekend is over. Now someone else has to take care of it. She can't work from the hospital, and she can't get back in to prepare things for whomever will be covering her position.

Our little girl is 24 weeks and 1 day along. When she will decide to come, or when Emily's body decides to deliver, we don't know. Our baby will be so tiny, so weak, so exposed. How long will it be before she's strong enough for us to hold her?

This makes me think about an old friend and his infant son. At 1 month old, the baby developed a type of cancer that had hospitalized him for months. It was so long before my friend could hold his son or take him home. As long as my friend's son was in danger, I had felt guilty talking about my son and the funny things he would do. If I were in his shoes, I wondered if I would have been bitter, asking why this has to happen to us instead of someone else. I didn't want to add to the possibility of him having those feelings.

It's all I can do to keep from having those same feelings right now.

Emily's doctor thinks that this whole thing is a partial placental abruption. Only part of the placenta has detached from the uterine wall; the rest is still attached. It could either tear away more and lead to a very early delivery or it could grow further attached and hold on as long as it can. The doctor thinks that it could have been caused by a defective gene that causes a clotting disorder. Another doctor had mentioned that it could possibly be that the placenta had attached to her scar tissue from the septum surgery. I wish we knew for sure, but the experts can't figure it out.

All I know is that there was too much blood for me to ever forget. Friday night, I've never been that scared in my life. I mean truly scared -- there's the fear I've felt when I was young and afraid of the dark, when I was a teenager and about to get in a fist fight, and anytime when a tornado is in the area. This is different. This is fear for someone I love.

We've made it four days without having to deliver. The doctor said that making it through the first 24 hours was huge, and the same for the next 24 hours. Now it's one day at a time. Another doctor told us that of the people who are in this situation at this point in the pregnancy, 50% of them deliver and 50% go on one more week. Of those people going on one more week, 50% of them deliver and 50% of them go on one more week, and so on. Moving from one day to the next is a good thing. One day at a time, they say. They keep positive, but it doesn't make things easy for us.

We've been getting lots of prayers coming from friends and family. I feel like I haven't prayed enough. I've tried; I've bowed my head and tried to speak to God, but I don't know if my words are the right kind of words. I don't know if I deserve to have my words heard. Emily and our daughter deserve it, though. We have a loving God who will protect us, and I'll never give up on asking for His help.

A Writing Drought

Some random thoughts as of late:
...Haven't been able to finish a blog in about a month, even though I have started 9-10 new ones
...Been fostering some serious doubts about my coaching and teaching abilities lately -- students and athletes don't seem to listen to instructions these days
...A broken nose is a real pain, especially when I have a cold and a toddler who loves to flail around when I hold him
...Speaking of Brody, he must be in training to be a soccer hooligan -- he's getting down the head-butts and screeches pretty well
...Spending nearly 3 hours driving every day takes a toll on my niceness
...I can never watch enough Kung-Fu Panda, Shrek, or Toy Story!
...Waking up at 5:00am on my day off is a-o-k with me, just as long as Brody is alternating between his ultra-snuggly and hyper-goofball modes
...I can't wait for some snow! I wouldn't even complain if it happens during the break and I don't get a snow day for it
...Christmas decorations really can make the season feel like Christmas -- I just love pines covered with lights, holly wreaths on the front door, red bows and golden strands of garland!
...Some time away from my wife and son really puts things in perspective and helps me remember how much I love them
...All this hype about Josh Selby / KU and Jacob Pullen / KSU basketball gets kind of annoying, and I don't think it's just because I'm a wrestling guy
...Some people's political posts on Facebook are glaringly ignorant and really annoying... even some of the "conservative" ones (I'm not just hating on the libs)
...I really need to get to the theaters to watch Tron Legacy, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
...I've got a John Irving book that I really need to read... just haven't had the time or means
...Listen to books on CD has been awesome in making my daily commute fly by quickly
...I could use a weekend fishing trip soon
...Better yet, I could use a week of sitting around with Brody and Emily, just lazing about and enjoying each other's company
...Emily has been a blessing, especially this past semester. I don't know how I'd ever get through things without her

Well, that's it for now! Maybe I'll get another entry finished soon!