Driving Wisdom

Last week, Brody learned a new dance at day care the "car dance." From what I can tell through observing an 18 month old trying to do any specific kind of dance, the moves consist mainly of him holding his hands out in front as if he were gripping a steering wheel and then turning the wheel back and forth. It is pretty cute when he busts out the car dance at random moments rarely on request, however. In fact, he'll pretend to drive almost everything; any inanimate object that can fit in his hands becomes a steering wheel. Although his mom and I are hoping more for a career in an applied science, this kid may have a future in one form or another of driving.

Unfortunately, watching Brody do his car dance forces me think about the distant future when he'll actually be driving a car. I can't imagine the changes that a span of 14 years will bring, but I do know that I'm both looking forward to and dreading the chance to teach him how to drive. It'll be a great father son moment, but then again, how qualified would I be to give him lessons on how to be a good driver?

I still vividly remember the primary source of most of my driving wisdom: my own father. Whereas there were distinct times that his driving scared the daylights out of me (two in particular stand out in my mind: cruising swiftly down steep hills around Lake Shawnee and getting lost in downtown Philadelphia; both instances resulting from geography and terrain, not necessarily his skills), he is perhaps the best driver I know. He had lots of good advice; wisdom that goes far beyond what I'd learned in Driver Ed in high school. Keep yourself from having tunnel vision and have your head on a swivel. Don't drive in the grooves of the road; keep your wheels where there's the best traction. Use your turn signals, even when you don't think there's anyone around.

I had a decent Driver Ed teacher in school, but he couldn't match the effectiveness of my dad's lessons. So now I wonder: what would make me a qualified teacher for Brody whenever his car dance evolves to the advanced stage of actually driving an automobile?

Well, I do drive a lot. Almost 3 hours a day to and from school. I drive when my family goes somewhere. I drive my friends when we go out. I drive when it's a school vehicle other than a bus.

I haven't had the extensive training or experience that my dad has had, so I'm not an expert on what a good driver is. But I have had the opportunity to think about what makes a poor driver. Here are some random thoughts about driving that have entered my head while driving the last week and a half. Don't worry, I did not write them down while I was driving, nor did I type them in my phone as text messages. These are some of the points that I will be sure not to make with Brody:

* Oversleeping and / or running late entitles you to forego any traffic laws that prevent you from arriving at your destination
* Seeing that someone is about to enter the roundabout ahead of you means that you should speed up and tailgate that person to punish them for daring to get in your way
* It's smarter to speed when passing through small towns, where there are always speed traps, than it is to speed on the highway out in the country, where there are significantly fewer speed traps.\
* Even if you cannot multi task very well, it is all right for you to talk on your cell phone while driving. It is clearly evident which of the two tasks is more important to you and which will get less concentration from you, but these phone calls surely must be very important
* Although flicking a cigarette out the window is littering, if you're driving a hybrid and/or have a "go green" bumper sticker, it definitely makes up for your pollution (both the cigarette butt and the exhaled smoke)
* Contrary to the popular belief that the only people who have a right to park wherever they want are firemen, police officers, ambulance drivers, and whoever is dropping a woman in labor off at the hospital, it is also permissible for you to park half in the handicap stall and half in the loading area whenever you're in a hurry, simply because you're special
* If the car in front of you arrives at a stop sign and is waiting for a gap in traffic so that they can turn left, and you pull up right behind them and want to turn right, it's perfectly fine for you to pull forward next to the car, block their view of oncoming traffic, and make your turn (especially if the car is a little coupe and you're driving a big pickup truck)
* Turn signals must be for the weak, submissive, and or anal-retentive. If you don't feel like you need to use them, then don't worry about it
* If you're driving a company car and/or you're on the clock, drive as slowly as you want to drive. Your time is much more valuable than ours
* The inside lane on the highway isn't just for passing, just as the outside lane isn't just for slower traffic. Drive in whichever lane you want; anyone who wants to pass you can pick the other lane
* Stop signs tend to be more recommendation than requirement, especially if someone is coming down the road and you don't want to take a risk that you might get stuck behind them
* High beams really aren't that bright for the cars in oncoming traffic. If cars flash their lights to let you know that your highs are still on, ignore their signal
* The middle finger is an appropriate reaction gesture to anyone who angers you while they are sharing the road with you. Obscene language is acceptable, too, even when children are present
* When you see a police officer or sheriff's deputy, you should slam on your brakes, even if you're already going under the speed limit. You may be violating one of the obscure traffic laws that only the keenest eye of the law can see
* Slippery roads, thick fog, or precipitation of any kind means that you should a) drive as carelessly as you normally do or b) drive as though it's your first time facing adverse conditions (a steady speed of well under what is truly safe)

I'm not a perfect driver, and while my wife does point this out (sometimes she makes a good point...), she also trusts me to drive whenever we're going somewhere together. My track record isn't that bad, with no serious traffic violations or accidents under my belt, so maybe I do have what it takes to give Brody some good tips on driving. With my two left feet and no sense of rhythm, it would definitely be better for the boy for me to save the dancing tips and focus more of the driving aspects. I think I could handle helping him with the car dance, but I also think I'll limit myself to an area where I've got some talent.